可惜没如果。

如果任何事没有如果，是否我们会开心一些呢？

不会活在遗憾當中，不会后悔自己所做的一切？

有谁可以告诉我吗？

我，渐渐的在意你的一切。

你的一举一动，喜怒哀乐，但你有发现到我吗？

难道我真的在你心中，一文不值吗？

还是你还没发现我这个毛毛虫呢？

This is not a HOME...

In this home, there is no "home sweet home", but a suffering and torturing place. Many people wonder why will I say so. I do not mean that I do not ever have a sweet time with my family, I have, but too little. Because I know, after the sweet moment, the nightmares begin. The feeling is so suffocating. Unbreathable. Not really acceptable by me, in a time. Made me feel to escape, escaped from this oppressed "home".

Why my family doesn't in my favour? Always. I tried, but sometimes I don't have enough guts to face the truth. Truth is cruel enough to kill a person's mind. Honestly, I don't want to accept the fact, but you "pushed" me into the fire, and "forced" me to accept this cruel reality. Do you know how much pressure am I, when I was the person who standing in the middle of both of you two? Unbearable. I do not know how hard I could survive under this shock circumstance, in any hour, minutes or seconds. Is it what should I deserved in my childhood?

War. Your argument is considered as a war, for me. Do you ever notice that? My head gonna blow off, when you two begin the "war". I know, sometimes it is uncontrollable in certain situation, but do you aware of your children? How scare are they? Do you ever think about that? Do you take their fear as your concern? Both of you didn't.

Mum, I know you tried so hard to avoid from this. From hot-tempered behaviour to more appropriate one. I can't judge which side is correct and which one is wrong, because both of you got the responsibilities on this matter. An alcoholic father destroyed everything. Mentally and physically.

Midnight is a disaster. After consuming alcohol, the dream that supposedly befall to be sweet, broke. A home doesn't look likes a home. Only sorrowful mysteries. Tears under blanket. That's why I say: "If one day I can escape, I will." I hate that feeling a lot, feel to run away, but I couldn't do it myself. I still got my sister and brother. They can't survive without them. Do I have enough energy to take care them, as my brother is a hyperactive and autism patient? Do I have enough money to bring them and escape? I got too many concerns.  Too many. I feel I do not brave enough to face it.


In my home, hardly find happiness. That's why I wanna escape, because I don't even want to stay here for a second.