Pathetic

Sometimes, I feel myself such a pathetic girl. I admit I am not pretty, not smart enough, but I just got low confidence without reasons. I thought I am the best during my high school, but after I entered the University, the deeper I dragged the worst out. I am not the smartest, not even in my language. I thought I can handle English very well, and now I realised I am not. I feel I am too overconfident last time, which built a bad foundation in my thinking. What a shallow thinking. Personally, I feel ashamed to myself either.

I am such a poker face. Inner of me actually so nervous, but outer of me shows me a calm face. What? The expression of me, inside and outside, such a big difference. Don't ask me why. This is me. Is it a potential talent? If it is a talent, I would like to accept, but the problem is, this talent doesn't really recognised by others. This is what my mind that made me to think that way. Pathetic. Really pathetic. I feel I got no talents at all, useless.

BACKSTAB

I can't image that there is a day I will be backstabbed by friends, which I think they are the best throughout my University's life. Friends that I even appreciated so much in my life, friends that I feel they really trusted on me, and no matter I need helps, they will stand besides me and defend on my behalf. Until today only I realised, those bloody hell friendship are only my pipe dream. A fond dream.

I feel so guilty at first, for the accident of scrolling her FB, which she wasn't log out yesterday by using my laptop. I am out of curious and discovered those chats, you know, how hurt was that... I know it is wrong, because those are their confidential, but sorry that I had done it secretly. Those chat regarding me, was such cruel likes a knife. Be nice and kind in front me, and then use a knife to backstab behind me. Those promises that have done to me, were a bundle of lies. Find her and her, when you are in trouble in any circumstances, are nonsense. You know. Nonsense. You guys' chat mentioned: "Just ignore her. She wouldn't care!", "She won't angry you, although you didn't reply her!", "I think she didn't try her best, she just keeps rely on us!"... What? Everything I asked you guys, did I asked you guys to lend me your assignment or homework to me? Did I asked for answers or anything? You can borrow to "him" without hesitation, but me. What? I didn't ever ask you guys like that, I just asked you guys to help me in some particular questions. Asking questions regarding how to do and so on, but not answers at all.

I really feel so disappointed with you guys, looking down to me. I am not a threaten or anything for you guys, but you guys just acted so kiasu behind of me. I am simple, you good to me; I good to you. My thinking was so naive. So innocent. I thought if I sincere with you guys, you will do the same to me. Only today I realised, it wasn't. That's only your imagination. Unreality thinking. This is so shocked, seriously shocked. Your poker face. Poker face.